Posted by: adventurers0404 | December 17, 2011

What? A whole month has past since my last post?!!!

Whew! Where do I begin? This month has been filled with ups and downs, and unfortunately, I write this with a heavy heart.

We started my IVF cycle with shots on November 18th. She gave me the lowest dose of medicine, because she was afraid of Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome (OHSS), because of my insanc number of cysts. We went up in dosage almost every other day, because they weren’t stimulating at all. Finally, November 28th, I went in for a routine ultrasound to check my progress, and I had only one dominant follicle. The IVF cycle had failed. They couldn’t take out just one egg. So, Dr. Schnell switched me from an IVF cycle to an IUI cycle (Intra-uterine insemination). For normal people, the IUI has a 20% chance of working…for us, much, much lower. Still, I clung to the hope that all it takes is just one sperm, and one egg!!! We did the IUI on the 29th of November, and yesterday was my pregnancy test. In the midst of this, I did develop OHSS, pretty severly, and had fluid in my abdomen and lungs. They put me on bedrest, and here I remain. I’m weaning myself off the pain medicine and I think the fluid is almost gone.

On Tuesday, we found out my progesterone level was next to nothing (apparently I don’t make any at all), so I hadn’t supported a pregnancy this whole time. I pretty much knew then what the pregnancy test would show, but still, I clung to the small hope that this was my miracle!

Yesterday afternoon, they called me with the news that I was indeed, not pregnant. I don’t even know how to describe my emotion. Sadness, disappointment, and yet hope. Because of the contract we signed with the doctor’s office. We have six months to start the IVF again, and the only charge is $1100. Not like we have that money lying around, but it’s much better than 9700!!! So, we’re going to save up money, and we’re going to start again. I will not give up until the Lord tells me to.

I have felt closer to Him this week, sometimes, and sometimes,  I feel far away from Him. My hope and trust in Him knows that whatever He wants will happen. My weak flesh thinks that He just doesn’t love me enough, or I’m not good enough to be a mother.

Hannah has been a great source of strength to me…. such a Godly lady, who loved her husband and loved the Lord, and for some reason, the Lord shut her womb. It could be because He was teaching her patience, or faith, but it speaks to me, because I am constantly learning both of these things.

Until my dying day, my prayer will be: “O Lord of hosts, if thou wilt indeed look on the affliction of thine handmaid, and remember me, and not forget thine handmaid, but wilt give unto thine handmaid a man child, then I will give him unto the Lord all the days of his life….” 1 Sam. 1:11a

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Posted by: adventurers0404 | November 12, 2011

My appointments

Sorry I haven’t posted in a while! I’ve been so busy, and a lot has happened!

Caleb and I had an appointment on November 3rd to sign our consent forms and make our final payment! I never thought paying a bill would be so exciting, but it was!

I also had some pretty painful tests. One was the test transfer (they simulate how it will feel to put the embryos back in to determine if I’ll need anesthesia or not). That test wasn’t so bad….I passed, and my Valium will be enough 🙂 the other test was a hystersonogram..man, that was very painful! She checked everything out, and I will be at high risk for Hyperovarian stimulation. The Ovaries produce too many good follicles, and it produces fluid in my abdomen, and even around my heart. It’s very dangerous, but they’ll be watching me very closely, so we should catch it in time. I’m not too worried, I trust them!

This week, I had a regular ultrasound, and a medication consult with my nurse. Did I mention she’s awesome? She went over my shots with me, gave me smaller needles hahaha, and gave me lots of peace! She also prescribed two no stress months, so no worrying or stressing out for me! I’m determined to do it!

Stay tuned!!!! Baby McDonald, coming 2012 (Lord Willing)

🙂

Posted by: adventurers0404 | October 24, 2011

My calendar!

I ordered my medicine a couple days ago, and it will be arriving November 1st! Praise the Lord, it was $3,000 dollars cheaper than originally thought. I started my first round of medicine last week, and start another round tomorrow morning! I also got my official calendar from my nurse, Nicole today! I’m so excited! Every day that passes makes it more real!!!

This week, I’ve been hearing a lot about women who literally go crazy when they’re doing the shots. Whew! I hope that doesn’t happen to me! You never know though hahaha.

I’m praying for my little embryos…every day makes me love them a little bit more. I keep reminding myself that they might not all survive, but I just have to believe that they’ll be little fighters. Fighting the odds, just to hear Mommy and Daddy’s voices.

Which reminds me, I am certain, that my husband will be an amazing father! I’m so excited to see him hold his little child, and kiss them good night…pray for them, and rock them to sleep. I can’t wait!!!

I know this process is not conventional, in fact it’s extremely controversial, a fact I was reminded of today, but this truly is the Lord’s will for our life, and that makes me have faith that He will grant me this desire. Every day, I’m a little more excited! Yay!

Posted by: adventurers0404 | October 13, 2011

Medicine

Praise the Lord! I just got off the phone with the two recommended pharmacies, and because we’re paying cash for our medicine, our total will be $3,000 dollars less than originally quoted to us! How amazing is that? That’s incredible to me!

I do know the reality that what we’re doing might not work…and yet, I just can’t help but feel that this is truly His plan for my life, and I am following His plan! Why is it though, that when God does something wonderful, we’re surprised? I find myself doing that constantly! I expect Him to bless me…I beg Him to bless me, and yet, when He actually does, I’m shocked! That speaks to how little my faith is I suppose.

We’re a couple weeks away from truly “starting” this process, and I’ve been praying for these precious embryos that aren’t even formed yet. I’m begging the Lord to spare each tiny little life. I know He can. I hope He will…but if He doesn’t, that’ll be just as good.

Rebekah McDonald

Posted by: adventurers0404 | October 6, 2011

Nicole

Nicole is my IVF nurse. She’s amazing, and I love her so much! We’re going to get really close the next couple months, so I’m so glad I had this chance to meet with her!

Basically, I don’t have much to report. We went over the calender together, got all my medicines in order, and lined out my life! hahaha. The calender part is overwhelming to me, but I can call Nicole if I have any questions, I’m so grateful for that!

I look at last year, and the anger and depression I went through…boy, people just don’t understand the emotions of it, if they haven’t gone through it! I can now say though, that if God never gives me a child, the lessons He has taught me through this process are invaluable to me. In spite of “what I want,” He will do what is best for me, because He loves me. Whether I think it’s good or bad isn’t the issue. It’s what’s best for my life. I’ve drawn closer to Him this last summer, I feel His love.

Caleb and I went to a state park near our house this week to go bike riding (we love bike riding), and first hand saw just how bad the drought down here is. Our area of Texas has had less than 2 inches of rain for the year. Normally we have 40 inches by now. I looked around at the scenery I have seen since I was a child, and it’s usually green and fertile, and the animals are all hiding in the brush because there’s water everywhere! Well, this week, the lakes have dried up to where there’s not much water…the leaves are dead, the ground is cracking so badly, and the weeds are taking advantage of the starvation of the grass. As I was looking at this, and riding, I started making application to my own infertile, Spiritual journey. I’ve gone through times where I felt like the Lord was withholding blessings from me, basically “starving” me, and I grew angry in that. But just like Brazos Bend, when the excess is stripped away, the real beauty can shine through. We saw so many animals we would never have seen before. The way the branches intertwine to make best use of the water, is stunning!

That’s what the Lord has taught me. He strips away at the excess, leaving what I feel to be barren dry ground, leaving me raw and wounded..and yet, if I learn the lesson He has for me, then I can see the real beauty of the trial. He’s not hurting me, He’s growing me!

I am so blessed for the lessons, for the beauty He’s allowing me to see, and letting me hold His hand. I can’t walk this alone. The emotional stress of the next two months overwhelms me. I need Him. Pray for me, and I’m still praying for everyone else!

Here’s a picture of the beautiful, starving Brazos Bend State Park:

Rebekah McDonald

Posted by: adventurers0404 | October 5, 2011

Emotions…

You ever notice that our emotions can get the best of us? Well, guess what? I’m a worrier….the worst sort of worrier. I lie awake at night thinking of every little detail I might have forgotten that day!

Last night was like that. My doctor appointment is tomorrow to start our IVF, and my mind is racing constantly. I’m thinking of all the possible scenarios, good and bad. I have a moment where I’m giddy with excitement about possibly feeling the flutter of a baby in my womb…then I have a moment where I just think of all the embryos that might not make it, and it brings me back down to earth. I’ve been praying for these embryos for a long time; begging the Lord to spare their lives…all of them.  He could do it…I firmly believe that. I’m just hoping He will.

The Lord has given me incredible strength this past year. Strength I never knew was possible. He proved to me day by day, moment by moment just how much He loves me. There I was, angry at Him, and He still provided my basic needs, and things I don’t deserve. He gave me a wonderful husband, who loves me so much. A home, food on my table, clothing; all these things He didn’t have to do. But He loves me. I complain because He hasn’t given me a child, and yet, He gave up His only Son, just because He loved me. Isn’t that incredible? It sure puts my journey into perspective.

We thought Caleb would be working this week and not able to go to the doctor with me. Well, they gave him the week off, so he could catch up to his crew! Now, he will be at the doctor with me! Praise the Lord! He sure does love me!

So, here I go, enjoying my day with my husband, and praying for every one of you! Thanks for reading today!

Rebekah McDonald

Posted by: adventurers0404 | October 4, 2011

Infertile…

It’s hard to know how to begin this blog…what to say; what’s even appropriate to say. I understand this blog might never be read, and it might touch no one. But just in case it ever does, Welcome!

My story begins when I was 15. I was diagnosed, after a year long process, with Polycystic Ovary Syndrome. At the time, not a lot was known about it, so every OB/Gyn I went to see, and every endocrinologist had no clue what it was. I don’t fit the stereotype for PCOS. I have a normal BMI, no hirutism (abnormal hair growth), and I don’t have diabetes. Nevertheless, I have severe PCOS. It took me quite a few years to come to grips with this diagnosis. I figured I would just take the birth control til they could find something else to help me. Then I found out that a greater risk for heart disease, ovarian cancer, endometrial cancer, diabetes, miscarriages, and infertility, are all some of the potential problems I will have in the future. I still struggle with “controlling” this disease. It is an emotional thing, I don’t work “right.”

When I didn’t get pregnant right away, like everyone else in my family, I knew something was wrong. I had been warned that infertility might happen because of the PCOS, but I guess I just wanted it not to be true. I felt like a failure. I had a perfectly healthy husband, with no family history of infertility, and here I was, denying my husband of a family. I began to get very depressed. I begged God to change the circumstances, and to be honest, everyone around me kept telling me to “just have faith.” That God would do it if He wanted to. I started to believe that, and the more I did, the more angry I became with God. I had faith…that wasn’t the problem, so I couldn’t understand why He would give children to everyone around me. Why did He love them more than me?

I have realized that there is a greater lesson He has for me. Something more and deeper that I get to share with Him. I get to pour out all of my self to my Lord, and to my husband, and all of those women with their honeymoon babies don’t get that chance. I had an opportunity to understand just how much of a miracle a baby is.

August 2010, we did a routine test on Caleb, and it turns out, he is also infertile. He has an extra Y chromosome, he is XYY, which has caused him to be completely infertile. We have less than a 0% chance of every having a child naturally. Medicine won’t cut it…anything financially available wouldn’t work. That was pretty much it. We were done. We weren’t given any alternative…any hope. We were both devastated. I felt like I had actually lost a real child. I grieved for months. On top of that, my doctor told me unless I got pregnant in the next 4 years, I would develop endometrial cancer. So, God made me to where I had to have a child, and yet denied us the ability to do that. I truly felt alone, depressed, and there was no one to talk to.

Infertility in our world is not something appropriate to bring up. Not something anyone wants to hear about and yet…it is something so deeply emotional that it can truly scar a person. I had my husband and my God. Without either of them, I would never have made it through.

In January, 2011, I found a loan company that offers loans to people that can’t otherwise afford In Vitro Fertilization. After months of praying, and finally finding a place of rest and peace, I found this on the internet. Plus, the doctor affiliated with them, is the doctor that diagnosed me with PCOS when I was 15! Praise the Lord! I knew her! I was comfortable with her! This is really happening!

We got an appointment in May, talked it all through, and figured out how the financial side of it will work. To make a long story short, I have an appointment with the Nurse Coordinator of IVF on Thursday, October 6th to go over all the timeline and medicines we need. It’s been such a long, tiring, emotional journey, and it’s just beginning.

I am prepared for the reality. IVF may not work. But, I do have faith, and I truly believe the Lord will give us a child on this earth. I am excited and optimistic, and that’s rare for me hahaha.

If you’re reading this, and you’re going through infertility, please let me know! Let’s support each other for once! Let’s talk it through! I’m praying for everyone in our situation, and ask you do the same!

Rebekah McDonald

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